Whether it be hurt, sorrow, grief, or anything - letting go is what makes people feel that there is hope for the future. Love is the most dramatic corollary to a life change that I can possibly imagine. I am in love right now; and, I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is the type of relationship that I want to never end. I can't wait to see the continued growth and imagine myself with a family in just a few short years. Of course, today, my mind just went wild and I couldn't help but think of the many roadblocks that can come and get in the way. You see, I have always been the kid who wanted to just skip to the routine - I hate conflict, I hate waiting, and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I think this is why I loved reading so much, but I would, almost always, wait to start on a series that has a number of books already written and waiting. The cut off of a story is painful - I need closure, I need fact and reason. Mysteries are only there to be solved - not to be left as a taunting, tantalizing reality of ignorance and ineptitude. If there is something that you don't know or understand, it is easy to feel that sense of failure or that you lack the ability to possess such a artifact.
Love is that mystery - I want to know everything. I want to know exactly when I will be getting married. I want to know when I will be having kids, what I need to put away for a down payment on a house, what I need to save for college, what I need to do for a car situation, can I afford the lifestyle that my wife desires, and many other things. Upon meditation, I've begun to realize this: what matters in life is not what you do or who know; but in how you get to those conclusions. If you look passed the journey, you miss the joy - you miss what love means. Love is about ignoring every obstacle and putting one thing in your mind while working around that condition. I just want to say that I don't care about anything that stands in my way - I really do; but, I am full of fear and doubt. That fear drives me to question someone that I hold INCREDIBLY dear - my girlfriend, Alexa Schield. That fear can stifle me and turn me into this pathetic excuse for a man that God never designed me to be. Man was designed to take hold of a situation in love and be that rock - that foundation, by which the rest of things are build upon.
Actually, I take that back - that is God's role. God is that foundation that a house is built upon. Under his standards and with his guidance are the best and wisest decisions made. Alexa and I want a house that we can be proud of in our future - we want that foundation that creates a stepping stone for something great. I have to just have faith that God is putting Alexa and I in the position to go exactly where we need to go. I feel such a confidence that things will continue to progress; and, hopefully, when she graduates, we can continue to follow the natural progression of a serious relationship. If I could just hit a button and everything would go according to my plan, I absolutely would; but, sometimes I have to realize that God has a better plan. God has a plan that I cannot even imagine; and that pursuit is what me feel the joy, the happiness, the ecstasy, and even the pain that is love.
Once again, I want to just let the world know that I love Alexa Morgan Schield. I think the world of her and I cannot imagine what my life would be without her. I realized that volleyball really doesn't matter - it's just a sport and I can enjoy it all that I want, but there are enough people who define themselves by it that the world doesn't need one more douche bag running around spouting his mouth. As soon as I started judging people who were not good at volleyball was when I realized how selfish I had become. If you can't enjoy something unless a certain strict set of rules and elements are in play, then what's the point? What makes it special when you can pick up another sport and enjoy it more for the fact that you can compete than the fact that you need to humiliate or destroy an opponent. I'll be the first to say that I think I could have been a good player with one more year of hard work and even a tiny bit of confidence; but, that's how things ended up turning out. I've dealt with injuries and nagging pain the entire time that I have played, and that's just how it is. Everyone has to deal with stuff, so I am not making excuses - merely rationalizing this whole process in my head. I plan on continuing to play recreation ally from time to time, but I never am going to completely devote myself to a cause that really doesn't matter too much. If I ever choose volleyball before my wife or a child, then I need to really think about my priorities.
It was so easy to think that my Dad had nothing going on sometimes, but I'm starting to understand - he just doesn't care about everything else, he just wants to be with his family. The same family that wanted to go to friend's houses and go to the park or do anything to be away from their parents. I can't even imagine that feeling of hurt, but I guess love is what pushes you through. Love is what makes you realize that one day that child you are raising is going to grow up and be a great example for their own children - for your legacy. When all is said and done, nothing matters except you, your family, and God. The money you made, the cars you drove, and the vacations you went on mean nothing; for they all pale in comparison to the One who gave it all. I didn't intend for this to be a religious post at all, but I think that thoughts are just taking me back to what my parents helped instill at a young age - a basic Biblical understanding of what God thinks. Love and Marriage are just constantly circling in my head; and, right now, more than ever, I need to find some consistent backing that will take my own emotional rollercoaster out of the decision making equation. Like I said earlier, if I had a button, I would marry Alexa right now. I think both of our parents would have a say in that, so I wouldn't get too worried! (If we take a trip to Vegas though, don't be surprised...! Just playing!) I just have never cared so much for someone ever. I've always kinda mocked people who just get destroyed in relationship breakups, but I now know that I would be one of those people. I've always wanted to just take my emotional walls down one time and for one person - and that's still my plan. Having your first love be your only love would absolutely validate the years of awkwardness and waiting as a result of not being able to date as a kid. I completely understand where my parents' heads were at with that restriction. They just wanted to protect me from the type of dumb positions that kids put themselves in. I'm by no means perfect in my history, but I am definitely in a much better place than I would have been if I have felt a bit more comfortable trying to date.
One last thought, and I will close this down. I just wanted to let you know that I am really only writing this for myself. Alexa recommended that I get on here and start typing ... just putting my thoughts in a tangible format and allowing them to process. This is why I love her - she knows me better than I know myself! She knew that this would help me, and that this would bring a better sense of understanding and I love her for that.
Alexa Morgan Schield, I would never trade you for anything. You are the tuna to my peanut butter. No one thought we were a good match, but they don't know us. They honestly don't know me at all, but you saw through the walls I put up. You saw me for who I really was, and you valued that enough to chase it. I can never thank you enough for helping mold me into who I am today - and who I will in 2 months...2 years...2 decades. That transformation is what keeps me going, it's what makes it worth it to go to work and try to make money in order to prepare for my future - to our future. I just want you to know that I LOVE you and I will always LOVE you - I never want to look back on this post and feel a sense of regret. I'm not scared to let the world know how I feel like you think I am - here it is. I don't want anyone else, I don't want anything else; I just want you. I just want to hold you and love you and make you feel that everything in this entire universe is just perfect - if only for those few moments. I hate long distance, but I love you; and, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. We don't need ultimatums, we don't need deadlines - we just need love, each other, and the confidence that it's worth the risk and worth the steps. Life is a journey and I can't wait to continue taking it with you.
And here's a pretty picture
