Hey there

So here I am, at 1:20 in the morning, on July 5th, sitting down at the living room computer and writing a bit about my life. It's been a while since I've taken the time to express my thoughts like this, but I guess I say that every time. Thankfully, these thoughts are mainly for me and aren't some sort of mega-commercialized celebrity-status blogging concoction. :) So life has been pretty busy lately, but by no means hectic - and I'm not complaining one little bit. I've pretty much just been working, golfing, playing tennis, playing volleyball, or hanging out with my family at home. Honestly, I've really started to realize how disconnected I am with a lot of people I used to talk to, and it's really kinda come along pretty suddenly, at least in my mind. I'm always the type of guy who never really gets too involved in relationships with people ... I guess I'm just scared of rejection, if that makes any sense at all. It's not that I don't like people, or really want to get to know someone, but I normally let things come to me, as opposed to going and seeking them out. (By the way, I don't really mean this in a dating sense at all, but more of a friendship which could be between me and a guy or me and a girl. Honestly though, many of the same things apply.) Regardless, it's just part of my own shortcomings that I don't realize that many times, people feel the same prospect of rejection that I do and are putting themselves in the exact same situation. It's funny how things work out like that sometimes.

Anyways, I've been trying to play a lot of golf lately, and that's really been a very fun thing for me right now. I'm honestly pretty decent for just picking the game up, but it's by no means an easy game and I have SO MUCH that I need to learn. It was pretty cool going up to the course with my Dad the other day and seeing some people with these ridiculously expensive club sets just take these absolutely atrocious shots. Of course, I'm going to have my fair share as well, but I would figure they've been playing longer so it works out a bit in my favor. :) I'm still pretty into volleyball, but I'm kinda realizing that it's not the only thing that I want to be doing over and over again, and I've been getting frustrated with the attitudes of some people that I play with. It's just not the type of atmosphere that's really conducive to me bettering myself as a person right now, and I need to just kinda work on the more physical nature of the game by myself so I can get better on the technique side when I get down to A&M. I'd like to play this next year, and I should have a spot on the team ... I'm not so worried about that, but I don't want to waste my time playing, if that makes any sense. I want to make sure that volleyball is what I want to be doing. It's been a little weird for me since Jon and TJ came down to A&M. In a lot of ways, I think I've become a completely different person. I'm much more shy, and I don't feel like I open up much at all ... it just doesn't make sense because these are the people around which I should feel the most comfortable. They're my stinking roommates, and they're great guys - idk what my deal is, but I do know that I really need to push my own agenda next year and work on doing a bit more of my own thing. I'm going to be trying to play a lot more basketball - it's been a passion of mine for years, and I just didn't feel like I was any good the last couple times I've played. I'm still getting some quickness back, and you can definitely tell on the court. I don't know why God made me go through the ACL thing, but I guess it taught me how to be a bit more humble. It's amazing what happens when something like that just straight up gets taken away from you like that. It basically cost me my entire sophomore year of college because I waited so long to get it looked at.
So I'm kinda in this position where I really don't know if I'm in the right place for the summer. I have a feeling that camp is really the place where I would be best used, but here I am, in Allen, Texas - working at On the Border and kinda just existing. It's not even like I'm making that much money right now either. The economy is unbelievably bad, and with Cheesecake factory opening up in Allen, a lot of the OTB business has been taken away for a little while. A lot of the people up there are pretty cool, but I haven't really felt a great connection with any of them, and I don't think I'm really gonna miss much when I head back down to College Station. It sounds weird, but I really do miss getting together with some folks for a few beers or just hanging out and playing volleyball all day and then rushing off to class for an hour, only to go right back to what I was doing before. It's that sort of carefree outlook that is really going to be hard to replicate when I get a job and when I really start winding down my college career. It's weird to think about how unimportant a lot of things seem right now ... I would love to see the football team do well, but I can't say that I'm totally set on getting a sports pass this next year. If I need to, I can just buy a ticket from someone else, or just use a sports pass that someone else isn't using. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be an Aggie until I die, but I don't think that my destiny is going to be spending 70 years going to every home game down at Kyle. It's something that I've begun to realize is only a part of the college experience, and by no means the main thing. The A&M family is great and all, but it's really all about the people you actually interact with. It's amazing how different the campus seems from when I first got there. It's like everything that has been so idealized that people have forgotten that things don't just happen, but they need to be pushed into the forefront in order for things to happen. I hate how segregated the school is ... I'm tired of being around 99% white people and having no interaction with people who grew up in a different culture than myself. A&M isn't racist, in my mind, but we sure are ignorant about a lot of things. =/ That's part of life though
Anyways, I'm really kinda thinking that I might actually try to date a little bit next year down at school. I've spent a while just kinda going through things and having a couple "almosts," but always chickening out before things actually go anywhere, and I guess it all ended up for the best. I wouldn't say that I really care too much, but I do think it would be kinda cool to have a girlfriend. It's weird to think that so many people have met their life partner by my age, but I don't feel like I would realize it even if it basically slapped me across the face. I'm just kinda going through the motions right now

By the way, speaking of that - the Men's Retreat the other weekend made me realize that I really have NEVER had a significant goal or dream. How retarded is that? When you measure failing in the terms of being unsuccessful, I'm a A+ student since not trying = not having success = failing. I'm tired of it all ... I really am. I need to light a fire in myself and actually start caring. God didn't put me on this Earth to kinda float by and exist my way through life. I have a passion somewhere, and that calling is going to be met. I have more determination that folks give me credit for, but I need to have an outlet for it. I don't know if I should just completely focus on one thing like getting in great shape or getting straight A's just to kinda jump start myself, but I do know that it needs to be something. As a matter of fact, I'm going to get a 3.3+ this next semester and get a 30" vertical. I'd like to be able to dunk a basketball, and I know that if I condition myself and actually take things seriously that it will pay dividends. I don't need someone else to motivate me on this ... I can do it on my own, and I will.

Heh, I guess anyone reading that is going to think that I'm insane, but I'm really just pretty tired and thinking out loud. If you haven't done so before, I would definitely recommend it. If you read this and have any thoughts, post a comment - it's interesting to see if anyone actually reads this thing.