So I'm just in this super weird funk right now ... not entirely sure how to get out of it; but, I am sure that I probably don't want to get into too much detail on here! Hah, but this can at least be some sort of superficial outlet where I can actually address what I'm feeling and then just move on from there.

It's human nature to feel the desire to be heard - the desperate longing for acceptance and a listening ear. I try to pride myself on being a good listener and giving other people the chance to share their life experiences with me. Maybe I haven't been the best implementer of this as of late, but I've sure tried to be. I mean, the best interviewers or the best "conversationalists" really are just trying to facilitate your own discussions - they want to give you the chance to completely unload. It gives them a better understanding of how to react to you in the future; and, I mean, who doesn't want to talk about themselves, remember? Maybe that's what I need to be doing right now ... focusing on others instead of trying to internalize my emotions and just stay up all dang night for no reason. I should have at least tried to get some PS3 in there or something.

So work has been going great - I've gotten the opportunity to be involved in an industry that could take me places ... or spit me off to the side. Like any professional service, you're only as good as your last project; and, it's incredibly important that everything goes off without a hitch. I'm just looking forward to more responsibility and that added pressure of needing to deliver results immediately - working on weekends, w/e it takes. It's just another step and I am going to be coming to a crossroads before too long that is going to have a major impact on how the rest of my life goes. Do I take the road with money in mind or do I take the road with family in mind? I guess they don't have to mutually exclusive, but it just seems like that's a direction things are going. I would sure be a fool to take the money road - who knows?

I was just thinking the other day about a status update that a friend of mine posted ... something basically saying that anyone you interact with had to struggle to get out of bed this morning, or they are about to lose their job, lose their girlfriend, etc - everyone has problems, but what makes you successful is how you can react to those problems in a positive way and create accomplishment and growth through failure and pain. Do I do a good job of doing that? Probably not ... as I was saying earlier, on days like today I'm just so focused on myself that I forget the bigger picture. There's a huge world out there; and, in the grand scheme of things, my issues and insecurities and frustrations are so minuscule that they don't even show up on the radar. I guess that was the point of this set of incoherent and only slightly legitimate thoughts. Idk what is going to happen in my future, but let's talk about yours? (Thank God no one actually reads this ...)

Do you sometimes feel that everything that you have ever felt a complete understanding for is just thrown around with no rhyme or reason? I got a taste of that today and it's something that really shook me to the core. I felt like that I was unable to move in a spinning room where my only emotion was pain and grief; yet, at the same time, my head was telling me that I was drastically exaggerating the situation. The heart and head don't always align; but, in my 23 years, I have never really put myself out there enough to feel the level of joy and pain that one feels from letting go.

Whether it be hurt, sorrow, grief, or anything - letting go is what makes people feel that there is hope for the future. Love is the most dramatic corollary to a life change that I can possibly imagine. I am in love right now; and, I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is the type of relationship that I want to never end. I can't wait to see the continued growth and imagine myself with a family in just a few short years. Of course, today, my mind just went wild and I couldn't help but think of the many roadblocks that can come and get in the way. You see, I have always been the kid who wanted to just skip to the routine - I hate conflict, I hate waiting, and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I think this is why I loved reading so much, but I would, almost always, wait to start on a series that has a number of books already written and waiting. The cut off of a story is painful - I need closure, I need fact and reason. Mysteries are only there to be solved - not to be left as a taunting, tantalizing reality of ignorance and ineptitude. If there is something that you don't know or understand, it is easy to feel that sense of failure or that you lack the ability to possess such a artifact.

Love is that mystery - I want to know everything. I want to know exactly when I will be getting married. I want to know when I will be having kids, what I need to put away for a down payment on a house, what I need to save for college, what I need to do for a car situation, can I afford the lifestyle that my wife desires, and many other things. Upon meditation, I've begun to realize this: what matters in life is not what you do or who know; but in how you get to those conclusions. If you look passed the journey, you miss the joy - you miss what love means. Love is about ignoring every obstacle and putting one thing in your mind while working around that condition. I just want to say that I don't care about anything that stands in my way - I really do; but, I am full of fear and doubt. That fear drives me to question someone that I hold INCREDIBLY dear - my girlfriend, Alexa Schield. That fear can stifle me and turn me into this pathetic excuse for a man that God never designed me to be. Man was designed to take hold of a situation in love and be that rock - that foundation, by which the rest of things are build upon.

Actually, I take that back - that is God's role. God is that foundation that a house is built upon. Under his standards and with his guidance are the best and wisest decisions made. Alexa and I want a house that we can be proud of in our future - we want that foundation that creates a stepping stone for something great. I have to just have faith that God is putting Alexa and I in the position to go exactly where we need to go. I feel such a confidence that things will continue to progress; and, hopefully, when she graduates, we can continue to follow the natural progression of a serious relationship. If I could just hit a button and everything would go according to my plan, I absolutely would; but, sometimes I have to realize that God has a better plan. God has a plan that I cannot even imagine; and that pursuit is what me feel the joy, the happiness, the ecstasy, and even the pain that is love.

Once again, I want to just let the world know that I love Alexa Morgan Schield. I think the world of her and I cannot imagine what my life would be without her. I realized that volleyball really doesn't matter - it's just a sport and I can enjoy it all that I want, but there are enough people who define themselves by it that the world doesn't need one more douche bag running around spouting his mouth. As soon as I started judging people who were not good at volleyball was when I realized how selfish I had become. If you can't enjoy something unless a certain strict set of rules and elements are in play, then what's the point? What makes it special when you can pick up another sport and enjoy it more for the fact that you can compete than the fact that you need to humiliate or destroy an opponent. I'll be the first to say that I think I could have been a good player with one more year of hard work and even a tiny bit of confidence; but, that's how things ended up turning out. I've dealt with injuries and nagging pain the entire time that I have played, and that's just how it is. Everyone has to deal with stuff, so I am not making excuses - merely rationalizing this whole process in my head. I plan on continuing to play recreation ally from time to time, but I never am going to completely devote myself to a cause that really doesn't matter too much. If I ever choose volleyball before my wife or a child, then I need to really think about my priorities.

It was so easy to think that my Dad had nothing going on sometimes, but I'm starting to understand - he just doesn't care about everything else, he just wants to be with his family. The same family that wanted to go to friend's houses and go to the park or do anything to be away from their parents. I can't even imagine that feeling of hurt, but I guess love is what pushes you through. Love is what makes you realize that one day that child you are raising is going to grow up and be a great example for their own children - for your legacy. When all is said and done, nothing matters except you, your family, and God. The money you made, the cars you drove, and the vacations you went on mean nothing; for they all pale in comparison to the One who gave it all. I didn't intend for this to be a religious post at all, but I think that thoughts are just taking me back to what my parents helped instill at a young age - a basic Biblical understanding of what God thinks. Love and Marriage are just constantly circling in my head; and, right now, more than ever, I need to find some consistent backing that will take my own emotional rollercoaster out of the decision making equation. Like I said earlier, if I had a button, I would marry Alexa right now. I think both of our parents would have a say in that, so I wouldn't get too worried! (If we take a trip to Vegas though, don't be surprised...! Just playing!) I just have never cared so much for someone ever. I've always kinda mocked people who just get destroyed in relationship breakups, but I now know that I would be one of those people. I've always wanted to just take my emotional walls down one time and for one person - and that's still my plan. Having your first love be your only love would absolutely validate the years of awkwardness and waiting as a result of not being able to date as a kid. I completely understand where my parents' heads were at with that restriction. They just wanted to protect me from the type of dumb positions that kids put themselves in. I'm by no means perfect in my history, but I am definitely in a much better place than I would have been if I have felt a bit more comfortable trying to date.

One last thought, and I will close this down. I just wanted to let you know that I am really only writing this for myself. Alexa recommended that I get on here and start typing ... just putting my thoughts in a tangible format and allowing them to process. This is why I love her - she knows me better than I know myself! She knew that this would help me, and that this would bring a better sense of understanding and I love her for that.

Alexa Morgan Schield, I would never trade you for anything. You are the tuna to my peanut butter. No one thought we were a good match, but they don't know us. They honestly don't know me at all, but you saw through the walls I put up. You saw me for who I really was, and you valued that enough to chase it. I can never thank you enough for helping mold me into who I am today - and who I will in 2 months...2 years...2 decades. That transformation is what keeps me going, it's what makes it worth it to go to work and try to make money in order to prepare for my future - to our future. I just want you to know that I LOVE you and I will always LOVE you - I never want to look back on this post and feel a sense of regret. I'm not scared to let the world know how I feel like you think I am - here it is. I don't want anyone else, I don't want anything else; I just want you. I just want to hold you and love you and make you feel that everything in this entire universe is just perfect - if only for those few moments. I hate long distance, but I love you; and, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. We don't need ultimatums, we don't need deadlines - we just need love, each other, and the confidence that it's worth the risk and worth the steps. Life is a journey and I can't wait to continue taking it with you.

And here's a pretty picture

random phrase here

Alright, so I wasn't planning on writing a blog right now, but after seeing the Boys just completely give up on themselves, I kinda feel like just rambling on a bit. I don't expect this to be particularly coherent, but I also don't practice this whole business of self expression as much as I used to anyways. Being rusty is going to start being my excuse for the next 50 or so odd years, hopefully, so I might as well start running with it while I can. ;)

Anyways, I just experienced the sad pain of watching a team I love just completely fall apart on the national stage. By no means do I consider myself well-versed enough to do a thorough critique of the ways in which this team imploded; but, I sincerely hope that Bill Cowher feels like trying to conquer the national spotlight in Dallas. I know Jason Garrett is the "heir apparent" and all, but after seeing Sparano take the Dolphins from 1-15 (iirc) to winning their division, you have to doubt the general ability of our talent management. We won't even get into the whole Sean Payton issue...Either way, it's tough to watch a team with so much talent completely fall apart. It's like watching an ant farm while a young child (the media) continues to just shake and shake, hoping for any sense of dis congruence. I mean, it's not like the teams in the early 90s were choir boys, but they still found a way to get their job done on the field. I honestly believe that Tony Romo desperately wants to take the team as far as he can, but it's very easy to point the figure at the number of outside distractions that he's allowed himself to become a part of. On the flipside, plenty of people with his talent level take a while to really adjust to the speed of the NFL game and it's a bit tougher when your receivers aren't always getting open and/or are not taking advantage of some of their opportunities. It's really frustrating to see the malcontent of the receiving corps completely cripple this team. I really haven't minded all of Terrell's antics so far, but it frustrates me to no end that someone in a leadership position on this team has continued to miss key passes again and again. We bring Roy Williams in to bring order to our passing game and allow us to have another option to take the pressure off of TO, but that definitely hasn't been working. I mean, it's obvious that the guy is a ridiculous talent, but maybe he's the type of player that has to be THE guy in order to have any success. If he judges his own success by the depth chart/regional media attention, he's always going to be playing second fiddle to T.O. and won't be having the success that his undeniable talent would warrant. Either way, I'm actually a bit intrigued about the playoffs this year. The Eagles were a fun team to watch today, but maybe that's because I wanted a complete close to this selfish, Machiavellian chapter of the Cowboys' storied franchise.

You have the Cardinals who seem to have the ability to put points up on anybody, but at the same time look like they might as well not even suit up in cold weather - at least if the Patriots game is any indication of their playoff mettle. I'm really looking forward to seeing how Atlanta plays in the postseason! Michael Turner, Jerious Norwood, Roddy White, and Matt Ryan are all very exciting players to watch and I'd love to see them make an impact on the playoff picture. If they can get dominate the line of scrimmage and control the ball while letting roddy white make plays, they're going to definitely have the opportunity to beat any team out there. By the way, I don't know why everyone is so psyched about the Giants right now...I know they're the prototypical playoff "built" team, and it's not like you can doubt their ability to win the big game, but they're completely backing into the playoffs this year and that always scare me. Honestly if the Eagles play the Giants, I pick the Eagles...(and I mean, let's not even forget the Panthers or the Viking, whose running games have the opportunity to completely carry them both!)

Anyways, enough for Football, let's talk about that whole life deal...As usual, life is going pretty well. I mean, everyone has their ups and downs, so why bother pretending everything is perfect? Either way, it's incredibly ignorant to complain when I am about a year away from graduating from one of the best colleges in the country, with a great family, and a good group of friends. Other than my ankle, I'm healthy and I have a stable job at On the Border, so it's tough to really complain :) (By the way, I'd appreciate prayers for my ankle, it's frustrating since it takes SO long to heal and it's still swollen even now. It's been at least a month and a half, but whatever...stuff will happen eventually) Anyways, I'm starting to realize that the most exciting things in life happen when you're looking for something completely different. Honestly, I can't really think of anything in particular ... my life seems pretty pedestrian at the moment, but I'm starting to really want to try to experience new things. I don't mean that in a potentially negatively progressive way at all, but instead more of a being open to new ideas, new hobbies, traveling, etc. I guess it's part of the natural wanderlust God has placed inside of us, but I don't know if I want to stay and live in Texas my entire life. Allen has become something that's just ridiculous, and I mean that in a pretty good way. We're starting to see a lot of money and stores coming into what used to be a completely suburban area and it's like Plano has finally outgrown itself and we're seeing all these trendy shopping malls here in Allen. It's becoming such a materialistic culture, and while I really do appreciate nice things, I'm not the type that wants to continually be around imaginary bars that determine what level or status I should have reached at a certain age. I guess being in the big city is just going to be naturally leading to that point, yet that doesn't mean I need to immerse myself in that same mindset. It's easy to do coming out of school and getting a nice little job with a solid income, but eventually those bills start piling up when you add in a wife and kids and you're stuck in that same rut of leasing that next new car or allowing yourself to reach beyond your means. It's the exact reason that our country is in a totally catastrophic financial situation and while there are plenty of individuals much better versed in the situation than I am, it's a bit tough to not just sit here and feel cynical about the entire affair. I can only control by voting and abiding, but I wish there was an easier way to fix the whole situation. I think we hear so many terrible things about what is happening overseas that it's easy to forget what's going on here behind our own safe, little borders...Heh, I'm no political analyst so I'm going to forget that whole business. :)

Anyways, I want to go into this next semester with a completely open mind. I want to meet new people. I want to get in shape. I want to get back into church and allow myself to reconnect with what I've spent my entire youth cultivating. I don't want to quit drinking, but maybe that's my battle. It's not an obsession, but in moderation - I think it's a good tool to get to know people on a different level. Of course, I make the mistake of sometimes exceeding that limit, but hopefully I can squash that before it gets into a habit.

I noticed that I tend to start a lot of paragraphs with "anyways." Heh, fun stuff, huh? So I saw Marley and Me today and I have got to say that it is one of the saddest movies I've seen in quite a while! It really takes you through the life of a young, crazy dog from the viewpoint of a young, recently married couple just making their way through life. It's a weird transition period between Marriage and starting to have children, although a couple of my relatives felt that wasn't really necessary :) I'm honestly looking forward to the whole process, but I don't really want to skip right toward the kids part...I'd love to try to visit Europe or maybe go somewhere a bit more out there like Asia or Africa. Something about Asia really intrigues me, but that may also be because of the high saturation of Asian culture within American media. It's just something that feels so far away, yet so attainable. I understand they're very anti-foreigner though and that's a bit disappointing, heh. I think it would be incredible visiting Africa as well, but I don't know if I'm really ready to see the level of poverty and malnutrition that is so prevalent over there. I would LOVE to go and see some of the castles back in Europe. I have vivid memories of them as a child from back in Italy, and I think it would just be amazing to go back over there sometime and spend a couple months just experiencing a completely different way of life. I don't know if that's ever going to be fully practical, but it's definitely something I want to consider. If I was able to get over there in an English speaking country, I could definitely spend a bit of time working over there and just getting to know that culture first hand. I used to envy people who spent their entire life in one place, maybe even one house; but, now I'm starting to realize that the myriad of moves that I've been a part of have shaped me into something better than I would be otherwise. I'm ready to take on what comes, but at the same time, I appreciate what I have. It'd be great to have the same group of friends for 21 years, but I don't have that; instead, I have a solid family to help me get through stuff. They're not perfect, but they're as close as I've seen in a lot of situations so I'm not about to complain. :)

I really hope no one took the time to read this! It's really not for anyone else, but I don't mind putting it on a public forum in case it helps someone else kinda think through their own situations. Props if you read it, heh. It's redundant but I just felt like typing lol

Just another day in the life...

Alright, so it's been FOREVER since I've gotten down to writing one of these, but my mind has been kinda going crazy lately and it's gotten to the point where I just want to try to sit down and write some things down. This process is also made a bit easier due to the fact that I sprained the crap out of my ankle last night, after practice, at the rec. Honestly, I've never really been the type to go play after practice, but we didn't do any real conditioning and I was frustrated about how we played in a scrimmage against first team so I wanted to go up there and work out my legs pretty hard and then call it a night. However, I noticed that TJ and Allen were over there playing so I figured I would drop by and say hey and maybe hit a few balls in hitting lines; and, of course, I ended up playing and then on like the third play some girl went way under and I landed on her foot and sprained my ankle something wicked. It pretty much sucks, but things happen - ya know? It's really all dependent on how I adjust to this and hopefully it'll help me focus more on my serve recieve and defense since I won't really be able to jump for a little while. Also, it'll make me rely more on my weaker right leg...who knows? Maybe this will have long term benefits, but it definitely sucks now!

So life has been going alright, I guess. I mean all that I really have been doing is playing volleyball, working, and doing school stuff. I've been going out a bit, and definitely drank a lot more than I planned on this last weekend; but, that's going to happen every now and then. I just can't make it into some habit! The whole girl situation is pretty lame, I guess. I learned a lot about myself in my last little "relationship" or whatever that was, and it's always nice to learn; but, at the same time, it still sucks. I think we had just gotten so used to being friends that it became virtually impossible to cross that boundary; but, in the end, I guess that's not really that much of a bad things. We're definitely very different people, but I think that's kinda what was attractive to me about her in the first place. It's easy to pick flaws, but I have TONS of them so who cares? No one is perfect and that's what makes meeting people and learning about what makes them tick that is so exciting to me. I really need to work on actually moving past that though...it seems like I'm just a running line of one liners and I never actually get to know someone. I guess my nervousness just relates into constant empty dialogue. :) pretty sweet, huh?

Anyways, I'm actually pretty embarrassed to be an Aggie right now. If you haven't seen some of the stuff on CNN about the whole Egging Obama carnival that went on at the MSC, go look it up online and you'll be amazed at how ignorant some of our fellow Aggies are. I'm all for free speech and the like, but you have to understand that we're in a racial hotbed at Texas A&M. If something like this is pulled almost anywhere else, it's still a big deal; but, it's not considered some overtly racist act. We've gone like two years without any ridiculous incident, but I guess that's gone for now...Sigh, bunch of idiots.

Hmm, I don't have as much to write about as I thought I did...but I don't think people really read this anyways, so I don't think it matters =D

I just wish I had something to just completely put my passion into...I really like Volleyball, but it's not my passion right now. Maybe it'll be there by the end of the year, but we'll see. I miss doing artistic things. I had some really cool stuff done back in the day with abstract art over at Deviant Art and the like. I remember getting offered 100 dollars for someone to use my picture over in Japan for some commercial...it was pretty cool, but I ended up never working out the financial stuff and it's probably just floating around over there. It's amazing to think about how each and every individual thing you do can come around and change or impact someone that you'll never meet and never have anything more than a one way transient communication with. Crazy huh?

Maybe I'll write some poetry...that'd be cool, but I don't even know how to get started. Ok, I'm going to give myself 3 minutes to write a poem, so here goes:

From the depths of time
come the notes of whine
from sorrow to joy
each and every little boy
can learn to express a pain
only suppressed by a greater gain.
In torment is life
yet its pursuit only leads to strife
for success is only given to a few
and the rest are thrown eschew

poetry is freaking hard...bleh.

Better luck next time, peace

So here I am, just sorta hanging out after a pretty busy weekend of working and the like. It's honestly getting to the point where I don't even really feel like I'm working since most everything is just me trying to show some energy and taking care of things as best as I can. I've learned that as long as it's pretty obvious that you're trying to take care of everything and you're working hard, than there's really never going to be any problems with tips or customer complaints. I've had a pretty decent amount of people who say that they're going to ask for me from now and on and that they've previously had horrible service, but it seems like the majority of our people are pretty decent servers. Of course, there are a couple exceptions, but I think you're going to get that anywhere you are ...

By the way, I'm really getting excited for this next year. So much of my future rides on how I start to perform, and I just kinda feel ready for it, if that makes any sense at all. :)

So this summer, I think I've pretty much bought everything that I've wanted, except for a laptop and some new soccer cleats, so from now on I need to just be saving money and trying to get to about 2 grand or so before the next school year starts. I have a pretty decent shot at hitting it if I keep working these nights and weekends and continue making some decent money. It's really a shame that the economy has been so bad lately though ... I should be making so much more, but when jalapeños are the root cause of the salmonella scare, you can't really blame people for looking elsewhere. (Let alone considering the ridiculous cost of gas)

Anyways, I didn't feel like writing too much, but I want to try to make writing in this a bit of a habit so here it is

peace

Hey there

So here I am, at 1:20 in the morning, on July 5th, sitting down at the living room computer and writing a bit about my life. It's been a while since I've taken the time to express my thoughts like this, but I guess I say that every time. Thankfully, these thoughts are mainly for me and aren't some sort of mega-commercialized celebrity-status blogging concoction. :) So life has been pretty busy lately, but by no means hectic - and I'm not complaining one little bit. I've pretty much just been working, golfing, playing tennis, playing volleyball, or hanging out with my family at home. Honestly, I've really started to realize how disconnected I am with a lot of people I used to talk to, and it's really kinda come along pretty suddenly, at least in my mind. I'm always the type of guy who never really gets too involved in relationships with people ... I guess I'm just scared of rejection, if that makes any sense at all. It's not that I don't like people, or really want to get to know someone, but I normally let things come to me, as opposed to going and seeking them out. (By the way, I don't really mean this in a dating sense at all, but more of a friendship which could be between me and a guy or me and a girl. Honestly though, many of the same things apply.) Regardless, it's just part of my own shortcomings that I don't realize that many times, people feel the same prospect of rejection that I do and are putting themselves in the exact same situation. It's funny how things work out like that sometimes.

Anyways, I've been trying to play a lot of golf lately, and that's really been a very fun thing for me right now. I'm honestly pretty decent for just picking the game up, but it's by no means an easy game and I have SO MUCH that I need to learn. It was pretty cool going up to the course with my Dad the other day and seeing some people with these ridiculously expensive club sets just take these absolutely atrocious shots. Of course, I'm going to have my fair share as well, but I would figure they've been playing longer so it works out a bit in my favor. :) I'm still pretty into volleyball, but I'm kinda realizing that it's not the only thing that I want to be doing over and over again, and I've been getting frustrated with the attitudes of some people that I play with. It's just not the type of atmosphere that's really conducive to me bettering myself as a person right now, and I need to just kinda work on the more physical nature of the game by myself so I can get better on the technique side when I get down to A&M. I'd like to play this next year, and I should have a spot on the team ... I'm not so worried about that, but I don't want to waste my time playing, if that makes any sense. I want to make sure that volleyball is what I want to be doing. It's been a little weird for me since Jon and TJ came down to A&M. In a lot of ways, I think I've become a completely different person. I'm much more shy, and I don't feel like I open up much at all ... it just doesn't make sense because these are the people around which I should feel the most comfortable. They're my stinking roommates, and they're great guys - idk what my deal is, but I do know that I really need to push my own agenda next year and work on doing a bit more of my own thing. I'm going to be trying to play a lot more basketball - it's been a passion of mine for years, and I just didn't feel like I was any good the last couple times I've played. I'm still getting some quickness back, and you can definitely tell on the court. I don't know why God made me go through the ACL thing, but I guess it taught me how to be a bit more humble. It's amazing what happens when something like that just straight up gets taken away from you like that. It basically cost me my entire sophomore year of college because I waited so long to get it looked at.
So I'm kinda in this position where I really don't know if I'm in the right place for the summer. I have a feeling that camp is really the place where I would be best used, but here I am, in Allen, Texas - working at On the Border and kinda just existing. It's not even like I'm making that much money right now either. The economy is unbelievably bad, and with Cheesecake factory opening up in Allen, a lot of the OTB business has been taken away for a little while. A lot of the people up there are pretty cool, but I haven't really felt a great connection with any of them, and I don't think I'm really gonna miss much when I head back down to College Station. It sounds weird, but I really do miss getting together with some folks for a few beers or just hanging out and playing volleyball all day and then rushing off to class for an hour, only to go right back to what I was doing before. It's that sort of carefree outlook that is really going to be hard to replicate when I get a job and when I really start winding down my college career. It's weird to think about how unimportant a lot of things seem right now ... I would love to see the football team do well, but I can't say that I'm totally set on getting a sports pass this next year. If I need to, I can just buy a ticket from someone else, or just use a sports pass that someone else isn't using. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be an Aggie until I die, but I don't think that my destiny is going to be spending 70 years going to every home game down at Kyle. It's something that I've begun to realize is only a part of the college experience, and by no means the main thing. The A&M family is great and all, but it's really all about the people you actually interact with. It's amazing how different the campus seems from when I first got there. It's like everything that has been so idealized that people have forgotten that things don't just happen, but they need to be pushed into the forefront in order for things to happen. I hate how segregated the school is ... I'm tired of being around 99% white people and having no interaction with people who grew up in a different culture than myself. A&M isn't racist, in my mind, but we sure are ignorant about a lot of things. =/ That's part of life though
Anyways, I'm really kinda thinking that I might actually try to date a little bit next year down at school. I've spent a while just kinda going through things and having a couple "almosts," but always chickening out before things actually go anywhere, and I guess it all ended up for the best. I wouldn't say that I really care too much, but I do think it would be kinda cool to have a girlfriend. It's weird to think that so many people have met their life partner by my age, but I don't feel like I would realize it even if it basically slapped me across the face. I'm just kinda going through the motions right now

By the way, speaking of that - the Men's Retreat the other weekend made me realize that I really have NEVER had a significant goal or dream. How retarded is that? When you measure failing in the terms of being unsuccessful, I'm a A+ student since not trying = not having success = failing. I'm tired of it all ... I really am. I need to light a fire in myself and actually start caring. God didn't put me on this Earth to kinda float by and exist my way through life. I have a passion somewhere, and that calling is going to be met. I have more determination that folks give me credit for, but I need to have an outlet for it. I don't know if I should just completely focus on one thing like getting in great shape or getting straight A's just to kinda jump start myself, but I do know that it needs to be something. As a matter of fact, I'm going to get a 3.3+ this next semester and get a 30" vertical. I'd like to be able to dunk a basketball, and I know that if I condition myself and actually take things seriously that it will pay dividends. I don't need someone else to motivate me on this ... I can do it on my own, and I will.

Heh, I guess anyone reading that is going to think that I'm insane, but I'm really just pretty tired and thinking out loud. If you haven't done so before, I would definitely recommend it. If you read this and have any thoughts, post a comment - it's interesting to see if anyone actually reads this thing.